I hurt today. I woke up with a migraine. Yesterday's post tore me to pieces. I want to go back to sleep so bad it hurts, but I can't. I dreamed of gleeful violence last night, and I woke up angry all over again.
That sonofabitch doesn't ever want to run into me again, but I want to hurt him the way he hurt me. Writing these things down forces me to relive those experiences in HD with surround sound.
Guilt over my friend's death isn't a part of it though. For the most part, his death was a painful loss, and it makes me sad. I decided long ago that my first child will be named after him, as a sort of memorial. I will remember him forever because he was a wonderful person who served honorably and died doing his job.
I have so many memories similar to this one, that it will take me a long time to write about them all. Sometimes I just have to get some of it out. Especially when its pointed out that I'm hiding from these memories. I've never been the hiding sort.
The last time I spoke of some of these memories I spent three days in bed. I don't know how long I'll be miserable and want to hide in bed after this, but the theory is that eventually this will be a positive for me. Got to tear off the scabs so the wound can heal I guess.
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Tearing off the scab, cleaning out the rocks, dirt, glass and schrapnel and the infection that won't go away is much more painful perhaps than the original wound.
ReplyDeleteThe point is, however, to allow that wound to heal with the least amount of scar tissue possible.
If using your anger fuels you to work on getting out the ball of hatred and ugliness please use it. The energy it takes to hold this in can have catastrophic consequences.
You are not the criminal. You are the survivor of this.
Be good to yourself while you are doing this work. Drink water, Rest, Cuddle, Cry, and Reach Out.
There are many of us out here rooting for you to (as I say) "get the icky out" and come out strong on the other side.
You are not without allies. Many have gone through this process and survived. Many have avoided this, and everything else in their lives - not a life wished on anyone.
It is so obvious you have something to say.
You Are being heard.
Your pain Is being felt.
Your torment More understood.
Thank you for your bravery to share this.
Always so impressed with your writing and your fighter spirit. "Glad" to see you writing out some of what's on your mind. It will be good to get it out. Very much respect your spirit and your talent and your openness. But take good care of yourself (first) please...
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