Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Ugly feet

I've been dealing with massive quantities of self loathing and shame lately. I think this happens every time I start making progress in dealing with one of my issues. It's very distressing to realize that a part of me really hates myself. I keep feeling like I need to change everything about myself. It gets pretty hysterical sometimes. For no apparent reason I'll suddenly have the hysterics because my feet are unattractive, and I feel deeply ashamed of them. It sounds ridiculous I know, but it's not like I'm not used to having irrational feelings.

I really don't feel comfortable expressing the magnitude of this problem, but it's got me in a very bad place right now. I'm second and third guessing every tiny decision I make, and feeling trapped and frightened because I don't know what to do. It's making me very insecure, and increasing my anxiety and depression. It has made it incredibly difficult to focus, so writing is out for now. I've nose dived into reading fiction, for several days at a stretch, and although it is a fantastic escape from the voices in my head, it really isn't helping me solve the problem. I'm trying to get in touch with my therapist via telephone to see what she thinks, because this is too big for me to deal with.


  1. I don't know. I've been exhausted for several days now. Trying to get better is such hard freaking work. When this all started, I figured I'd take my medicine and be better in no time.