Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Dysphoria and Intrusions

Another day, another identity theft attempt. Seriously? Seriously.

The discovery of yet another intruder upon my life is taking it's toll on me. I'm emotionally drained. I intend to put pressure on people to prosecute this latest attempt at fraud and theft. I might hire a lawyer and start suing people.

I went to the doctor today, and joy to the world, they are changing my meds around again. This current round I am on two antidepressants, two mood stabilizers, sedatives, and medications for nightmares. They took me off the Ritalin, blaming my recent incidents of instability on that medication. It's the only pill I ever took that made me feel better, and it only worked for a little while. They are also testing me for several other medical conditions which may or may not have precipitated said incidents of instability.

There are no less than three medical conditions which run rampant in my family which may have triggered this mess. But the psychiatrist thinks I may have been successfully hiding bipolar in all these years of intensive therapy. Right. That seems likely (sarcasm). I did some reading into bipolar, and apparently there are some people who don't have highs and lows, instead they have depressive states and dysphoric states. Considering I've only had two possible dysphoric states in all my years of recorded psychiatric treatment, it really, really, seems unlikely to me.

I'm tired. I'm really, really, really tired of the VA's so-called medical practice. I'm seriously considering taking steps to transfer my care to a civilian facility. I cannot deal with these morons much longer. I might start telling them what I really think of them, and no one wants that.

The VA needs be reformed with extreme prejudice. Reform involving blunt objects would be preferable.

Monday, August 10, 2015

Not me

Some deeply scary shit has been going on with me. In a seriously misleading, understatement, I described this to my friends and family as "mood swings". Truthfully I had these episodes repeatedly for days where I was not myself. I vaguely remember the things I did, but in my head it doesn't feel real. It was like a nightmare that you can't quite remember. I destroyed a garden, and I guess tried to hurt myself. I keep wanting to say "It wasn't me!", because I would never hurt myself. I keep poking at my memories and trying to remember why I would do such things. All I remember are feelings. I remember rage. I remember morbid depression. I also feel like I thought I was in a nightmare and kept trying to wake myself up. But it wasn't a nightmare, it was real.

Oh holy shit, the stuff I said to people was terrible. But it scares the hell out of me that I could have hurt myself and not known why. I don't think anyone believes me that I wasn't myself. I really would never do the things that I did or say the things that I said.

I've been trying to figure out what happened. My family said that severe mood swings might be low blood sugar, which runs rampant in my family. It could also be the Ritalin that I was taking. (I quit taking that shit just in case that was it.) I have a doctor's appointment on Wed, and hopefully I won't get locked up in psych again.

I've been myself for the last two days, which is good. I'm not sure if I have permanently damaged some of my relationships with my behavior. I'm not trying to avoid taking responsibility for my actions, but something is seriously wrong with me. That's not who I am.