Wednesday, February 27, 2013

A bit of hysteria

Panic attacks are driving me crazy. I'm crying now, and I don't know why, just quietly losing my mind. Can't concentrate enough to read, and I have nothing in me to write. I feel like I'm about to boil over with some new kind of hysteria. Of course, it's probably the same old thing, fear and fear and fear some more.
Living and dying all at the same time, I suppose.

Saturday, February 9, 2013


Sleeping a lot, trying to "recharge". Dr has me carefully sedated so I'm tired all the time. Ordinarily it would probably bother me, but I'm sleeping without the nightmares, so I am not really going to complain.

I'm being very careful not to think too much about the future, that way lies madness. I'm just going to kind of coast for awhile, I think. Take my peace and quiet when I can, and try to enjoy it. They will probably change the meds around again soon, because I can only deal with this high level of sedation for so long before I start having cognitive problems. Short term memory loss, confusion, and the ever popular dissociation. That is a problem for another day. I've still got a bit of a hair trigger for anxiety, surprising really, considering the medications. Overall though, I'm feeling better, which is a miracle.

I would not be surprised if I wound up in inpatient treatment again. My meds might need a complete overhaul again, and they probably need to find a different track for therapy. Anything too intense, sets me off completely, but the lower key stuff doesn't help much.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Happiness is a good night's sleep

I had another appointment with the civilian doctor who is supposed to objectively evaluate my disabilities for compensation. The doctor had no idea why I was there other than he was supposed to look at my right ankle, and x-ray it. I think he was a little embarrassed about it, because I had been to the same clinic for evaluations six months previously. It was acutely stressful for me.

I've also recently been having minor dissociative fugues, associated with flashbacks. So far it doesn't seem like a huge deal, other than being frankly terrifying. My therapist made us review my "safety plan", and I am forbidden from handling sharp objects or being left unattended in the kitchen. They changed my meds around, so I am sedated most of the time, again. My psychiatrist took me off of Trazadone, because it was preventing me from being able to wake up from nightmares. Instead I'm taking a cocktail of anti-anxiety meds to help me sleep. We're all hoping these dissociative states are caused by unusual levels of external stress and will be temporary.

So mostly, I'm sleeping a lot lately. I haven't been able to do much reading due to concentration issues, so I've been watching cartoons. It's frustrating, but I have to deal with it. Not much choice.

Hopefully the VA will get it's collective shit together, and make a decision on my request for Individual Unemployability. It would be nice to be able to do things like, you know, pay rent. Buy groceries. Stuff normal people do.