Sunday, January 16, 2011
Lately I have been severely depressed. I don't want to get out of bed. It takes supreme effort on my part or someone nagging me to get me out of bed. Even when I get out of bed, I don't want to do anything. I start reading a book and can't finish it. I start watching a movie and turn it off halfway through. I just lose interest in things so quickly. Which is making this whole moving thing really difficult. I'm so tired, all the time. I tried to take a walk with my bf today to try and wake up and find some energy but it didn't really help much. I don't know what to do. People tell me I should be happy and excited. But I mean, if shoulds ruled the world, I wouldn't have gotten raped and sexually assaulted and wouldn't be like this in the first place. I would love to be happy and excited. I would love to have at least normal energy levels. I would love to have a life. Unfortunately, I gotta work with what I got, which isn't a helluva lot right now. It's infuriating how often I think about something that scares me lately. Its almost a constant background noise in my head, like static noise. If I am not paying attention I will start talking to myself, reacting to the background fear. Sometimes things slip out of my mouth, and if someone hears it I have lie about it, because I don't want to admit that I'm talking to myself. Its not even that I'm talking to myself, I'm talking to memories. That is some crazy shit. My favorite part is, I'm starting to be afraid of things that never happened. How fucking awesome is that stupid shit? Its like the memories are growing beyond what they were into something even worse. Like I need worse. What I dealt with is bad enough, but I got so scared I was going to remember something else bad that happened that my brain started going through all these "what if'" scenarios. The human brain is a fucked up little machine. So I have to give myself these little talks from time to time, about what reality is and what it isn't. Let me tell you how good that feels having to do that. Its like "Hey crazy lady, that didn't happen, this is what happened and quit trying to drive yourself even more insane by dreaming up all these awful things." Generally I'm nicer to myself than that, but holy shit, sometimes I think my subconscious is trying to kill me, and its only paranoia if they aren't really out to get you. Try and catch a subconscious in the act. Its unprovable. Deviant little bastards. You know I've tried reasoning with crazy people before, more times than is pretty to think of, and now I spend an awful lot of time trying to reason with myself and its harder than reasoning with some other crazy person. My head hurts trying to unravel the grammar in that sentence so I'm just going to leave it as is. I'm tired and its starting to affect my cognitive processes. I'm not as articulate as I was before. Its harder to explain things. When I start sounding like Kurt Vonnegut I'm having myself permanently committed. I don't care if the intellectuals love the guy, he was bug fuck crazy.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Stress is cumulative. It just keeps building up. I think pain is also. I turn away from the pain, or turn it into anger so I can deal with it, or I ignore it, but its always there. When my stress level gets high enough, things start leaking through the cracks. It gets to the point where it doesn't even matter anymore. I can't even count the losses, the sleepless nights, or the tears I've cried. I don't have hope that things will get better. Everybody says things will work out the way it should, but in my experience they never do. I've survived, and some days that is something I deeply regret, because everyday is some new pain, more stress. I keep waiting for the worst, and I can't make it stop. When I'm alone I can't stand it, and when I'm not alone all I can think is how I want to be alone. More than once I've wondered when the stress itself will kill me, because physically the body can only take so much stress. I need something good to happen, I need to win, I need some fucking control back over my life. I am not going to sleep even though I'm tired right now, because I don't want to keep doing things just because I'm going through the motions. Even if its ultimately not good for me I want a fucking choice. There is no "getting over it", I have to live it, and live with it.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
I'm doing prolonged exposure therapy, and it really, really sucks. I have to go out every day and be around crowds of people. Just recently I've had to start going out around crowds of people and be alone for like half an hour. Its awful. I can't even take my panic attack medications even though I want to. My nightmares have been really bad lately and my mood sucks. I am trying to write a book, and it was flying for awhile, but since my mood has been so bad I haven't been writing as much. I'm ahead enough in my writing that I can type things out and do some editing work, when I'm not in the mood to write, but that isn't going to last forever. I did manage to write a few pages today, in between naps. I suppose I should be grateful for that, but I'm not really in the mood to be grateful for much of anything. Mostly I'm resentful. I try not to take it out on other people, so I kind of get quiet. Then everybody starts asking whats wrong and I just want to scream. They know perfectly well whats wrong. There's nothing anybody can do about it, and when I want to talk about things I talk about them. If I don't, I don't. I know that people just worry about me, and care about me, but I need to be left alone sometimes. We're also getting ready to move as soon as we find a rental in the area we are looking at. Then things are going to get really stressful because we'll have to put the condo up for sale, and start looking for houses to buy. The market is really bad right now, but we've got a good down payment so we should be able to get into a nice house. I really want to be excited about it but it is going to be alot of work and I'm already exhausted all the time. I'll probably have to do a lot of the packing myself while the bf is at work, because he doesn't want to take a bunch of time off to move. He's been stressed about work, plus the move, plus he has to help me with my therapy. I don't push to get my therapy done as much as I should, partly because I feel guilty that he's going through so much right now, and partly because I just don't want to do it. I want to be comfortable, I don't want to keep putting myself under all of this stress and pressure. I keep going, and I keep pushing, but holy shit, I'm tired. I haven't seen much improvement so far, and I haven't even started doing the other half of the therapy which is going to suck soooo bad I can't even stand thinking about it. Its been almost a year since I dropped out of school, and I really haven't made much progress on anything. People say I'm getting better but I don't feel better. I'm still miserable. Maybe I'm just getting used to being miserable. I don't know. All I know is that I'm depressed tonight, and I don't want to go to sleep.