Sunday, January 16, 2011
Lately I have been severely depressed. I don't want to get out of bed. It takes supreme effort on my part or someone nagging me to get me out of bed. Even when I get out of bed, I don't want to do anything. I start reading a book and can't finish it. I start watching a movie and turn it off halfway through. I just lose interest in things so quickly. Which is making this whole moving thing really difficult. I'm so tired, all the time. I tried to take a walk with my bf today to try and wake up and find some energy but it didn't really help much. I don't know what to do. People tell me I should be happy and excited. But I mean, if shoulds ruled the world, I wouldn't have gotten raped and sexually assaulted and wouldn't be like this in the first place. I would love to be happy and excited. I would love to have at least normal energy levels. I would love to have a life. Unfortunately, I gotta work with what I got, which isn't a helluva lot right now. It's infuriating how often I think about something that scares me lately. Its almost a constant background noise in my head, like static noise. If I am not paying attention I will start talking to myself, reacting to the background fear. Sometimes things slip out of my mouth, and if someone hears it I have lie about it, because I don't want to admit that I'm talking to myself. Its not even that I'm talking to myself, I'm talking to memories. That is some crazy shit. My favorite part is, I'm starting to be afraid of things that never happened. How fucking awesome is that stupid shit? Its like the memories are growing beyond what they were into something even worse. Like I need worse. What I dealt with is bad enough, but I got so scared I was going to remember something else bad that happened that my brain started going through all these "what if'" scenarios. The human brain is a fucked up little machine. So I have to give myself these little talks from time to time, about what reality is and what it isn't. Let me tell you how good that feels having to do that. Its like "Hey crazy lady, that didn't happen, this is what happened and quit trying to drive yourself even more insane by dreaming up all these awful things." Generally I'm nicer to myself than that, but holy shit, sometimes I think my subconscious is trying to kill me, and its only paranoia if they aren't really out to get you. Try and catch a subconscious in the act. Its unprovable. Deviant little bastards. You know I've tried reasoning with crazy people before, more times than is pretty to think of, and now I spend an awful lot of time trying to reason with myself and its harder than reasoning with some other crazy person. My head hurts trying to unravel the grammar in that sentence so I'm just going to leave it as is. I'm tired and its starting to affect my cognitive processes. I'm not as articulate as I was before. Its harder to explain things. When I start sounding like Kurt Vonnegut I'm having myself permanently committed. I don't care if the intellectuals love the guy, he was bug fuck crazy.