Thursday, September 19, 2013

I don't want to!

I'm in full on rebellion right now. I didn't get out of bed yesterday. I don't want to get out of bed today. I'm supposed to be packing to go to the PTSD residential treatment program. I don't want to go. I have mentally thrown myself on the ground and am kicking and screaming, like a badly behaved toddler at a grocery store.

I know it's childish. I don't care. I'm terrified.

Monday, September 16, 2013

Fragile truce

I have managed to find a little mellow for the moment. Learning to play the guitar, and I find that mindless repetitive fingering exercises are calming.

I'm not thinking about tomorrow, because today is more than enough. I'm going to hold on to this tenuous peace for as long as it lasts.

I've been relying heavily on my medication to manage break through anxiety. It's been really tough. It's like unravelling at the edges.

While I appreciate words of encouragement and support, I would caution readers not to expect much by way of a response from me. When I write here, it is usually because I am going through extreme emotional turmoil. I write this for me first, to help me sort through the kaleidoscope of trauma that I deal with on a daily basis.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Long night

Can't sleep. Crying myself sick all night. I feel like I'm stuck in a situation I can't get out of. Therapy and medication is like slapping a band aid on a broken leg. I need a more permanent solution. Like maybe a lobotomy?

I want to run away to somewhere they don't speak English so I can be truly and deeply alone, because being around people and still being alone is fucking depressing. I'm angry depressed tonight.

I took my calm down medication like a good little soldier, but I'm still all twisted tonight. I don't think I'm going to get any really productive thinking done tonight either.