Saturday, May 30, 2015

Dark humor

Spent 15 hours at the VA last night. I went in because I had a weird allergic reaction to something. Somehow ended up with a CT scan, EKG, and left without having anything resolved. They shrugged and said "We don't know."

I'm working on three new articles right now, because I'm trying to make writing a focus for me right now. This would be easier if my ADHD was being treated. I can't concentrate. In between every sentence I'm writing at the moment, I'm stopping and doing something else for a few minutes. OMG it's so frustrating.

I'm also trying to write 1000 words a day on my novel. 1000 words isn't a lot for me, because I used to sit down and churn out 10,000 words without even trying hard. But I'm struggling with a tenth of that. Concentration problems and writing isn't a good combination.

I was supposed to have the results of my ADHD battery (a 3.1 hour battle with various tests) a few weeks ago. No love. The VA never gets anything right. EVER. And if they ever did, it would be accidental and someone would have to write a formal apology.

The novel is going well despite the concentration problems. The articles I'm struggling with. I have a very distinct style of writing. That style involves a lot of sarcasm, irony, and aggression. I like it. I need to learn to tone it down and focus on the more technical parts of writing for the op eds. Lol. People are worried that my writing is "low brow", and I'm like, damn straight it's low brow. Journalism has become so fucking snobby that it alienates an entire generation. I really think blogs and online news sources have revolutionized modern journalism. We don't need suits on tv. We want the gritty facts and a cynical voice, never taking ourselves too seriously. That's what the Millennial generation is all about. Truth, cynicism, and even inappropriate levity at every possible opportunity. The media takes themselves far too seriously (perhaps because they have become their own corporations), and act like snobby banter is humor. Gimme a break. I love dark humor, most of my generation does.

Love me or hate me, you can't change me. Dark humor and all.

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Superheroes and cowardice

My life has gotten a little weird lately. I started writing these op ed articles and to my shock and amazement, they got published. (In large part because of a very good friend of mine, because I don't deal well with people.)

I'm also getting job offers that are so incredibly tempting, that I have to turn down, because I have to respect my limits. It's a kind of torture, because it's the first time in ages and aeons that I have felt like I have something to offer the world.

I write articles about MST because I want to make people listen. People need to understand the problem and then maybe someone will fix it. Part of me believes that I can single handedly eradicate MST if I just work hard enough. I have to check that inner voice with doses of reality periodically. What I really want to do is write fiction. I do write fiction, a  ton of it, and I think it's really great stuff. I don't have the guts to submit it to be published though.

Part of my problem is that the agoraphobic voice in my head is too scared to become dependant on the opinions of others to make my living. And then I feel guilty for doing what I really want to do, because of my need to save the world....

I'm tired of being scared of everything, even my own dreams for my future....