Monday, April 23, 2012

Same old troubles

Another round of depression. My boyfriend thinks I'm PMSing. I've been forcing myself to eat, trying to keep from screwing up my blood sugar every day. I really resent having to eat. Rationality is over-rated. Emotions aren't always rational, so it isn't smart to act strictly on an emotional reaction. Refusing to eat because of resentment isn't smart. Duh. I'm so tired of not having any control. I'm doing the best I can in therapy, and taking my meds.

I've been writing in tiny bits and pieces, but I'm still writing so that is good. My family might be moving up here, which I think is really great. It would really help me a lot to not have to be alone so much.

I tried to work up a budget, and it freaked me out so bad I had a panic attack. Money terrifies me. I grew partly in a trailer park, and we never really had much of anything. We moved around a lot, because we were always dodging bills when I was a kid. I'm 29 and debt free which is really awesome, and I want to keep it that way. I have some savings, but still when I think about money I kind of freak out.

I've had a lot of trouble focusing on things. I end up staring at walls, lost in my own little world. I read so much, it's ridiculous sometimes. I read the same books over and over again, but I also buy a ton of books.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Ugly feet

I've been dealing with massive quantities of self loathing and shame lately. I think this happens every time I start making progress in dealing with one of my issues. It's very distressing to realize that a part of me really hates myself. I keep feeling like I need to change everything about myself. It gets pretty hysterical sometimes. For no apparent reason I'll suddenly have the hysterics because my feet are unattractive, and I feel deeply ashamed of them. It sounds ridiculous I know, but it's not like I'm not used to having irrational feelings.

I really don't feel comfortable expressing the magnitude of this problem, but it's got me in a very bad place right now. I'm second and third guessing every tiny decision I make, and feeling trapped and frightened because I don't know what to do. It's making me very insecure, and increasing my anxiety and depression. It has made it incredibly difficult to focus, so writing is out for now. I've nose dived into reading fiction, for several days at a stretch, and although it is a fantastic escape from the voices in my head, it really isn't helping me solve the problem. I'm trying to get in touch with my therapist via telephone to see what she thinks, because this is too big for me to deal with.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Bad mood rising

Our cat died Saturday. I've been oscillating between rage and depression for the last five days. I woke up this morning with a horrible headache. I even shouted at my therapist over the phone. I stayed up late last night reading "The Hunger Games", much to my regret.

It's not often I find myself actively regretting reading a book, but this one was distasteful and horrifying, not to mention unoriginal. I thought I was reading Stephen King's "The Long Walk", as portrayed by a slow witted teenager with a tendency to over use hyperbole. I had nightmares last night, that a large group of maniacal teenagers were hunting me down. I suppose that's the best that can be said for the book.