Monday, May 30, 2011
I've been angry on and off for the last several days. Its like panic attacks, except not. I'm angry at everyone, and I don't like myself much because of it. It's so ridiculously childish. I don't understand people, truly. It is four-thirty a.m. and I can't sleep. I had another incident, where I upset a civilian with military humor badly enough that we got kicked out of a friend's house. I am so confused, and really sad. I don't feel like a real person around other people. I am always so outside and apart from everyone. I'm sick of it. For an agoraphobic, who works really hard just to leave the house, having my teeth kicked in over misunderstandings is incredibly humiliating. Failed. Failed. Failed again. I have to be so self-conscious so I don't say horrible things to people, and manage my anxiety at the same time. Most of the time I end up playing with the kids or sitting as still and as quietly as possible, so as not to attract any attention. I can't really enjoy myself around other people, and its created this rift between me and the outside world. There just isn't anything for me out there. Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why bother? It is hard enough just being me, surviving myself. I haven't found much that would make it worthwhile to continue this psychological torture. And this AFTER prolonged exposure therapy.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
I've spent the evening trying to convince myself of who I am, and all I've gained from my efforts is a vague sense of confusion. I've gone back to hiding from my fears. I wish I was the kind of person that could confront them and then put them behind me. Instead I seem to be the kind of person that keeps running headfirst into my fears and then running in the opposite direction into another. Always running and never getting anywhere. So much effort and such terrible rewards. I used to be a terribly strong person, or at least a person who was too stubborn to quit. People keep saying I'm brave, but I'm not. Not anymore. I don't even have the anger, that drive to prove people wrong out of sheer spite. I also kind of feel like every significant experience I've had in my life is it, and that for better or worse there will be nothing else. I don't want to live the rest of my life this way, but I don't know what to do. I keep expecting to wake up some VA home for old crazy people, like Rip Van Winkle. I don't know what to do, what to be. I cannot imagine a future, and I have an excellent imagination. Life is never going live up to my expectations, the world and the people in it, for the most part, are always going to let me down. Becoming a soldier was one of the most life changing experiences I've ever had, hell nobody really gets more life changing than that. Especially once you've been to war. Once you've accepted that people can and will kill you, you can never look at the world the same way again. Once you've accepted that people who were supposed to care about you, or at least be responsible for your safety will rape you and hurt you beyond anything you've ever felt, you can never be the same again. I spend way more time than most people do trying to create the illusion of safety. I hide a whole lot more than is healthy. I don't believe in that illusion of safety, but I keep hoping I will. When that is the best you can hope for, you are in a seriously fucked up place. I want to remake the entire world, so that no one ever has to suffer anything like this. I want to give the world back a sense of magic and hope. I want to make everyone stop being so damn jaded. Unreasonable expectations all of them. I really don't want that kind of responsibility anyway. If I could do without anyone expecting it, or knowing that I did it at all, I totally would. Imagine if one day you could wake up and everything is just suddenly better, because you can look at the world through a child's eyes again. No hard truths, no harsh realities, just the simple ability to be filled with joy at the simplest things. Sunshine, kittens, crayons, chairs that spin around in circles, all reasons to be happy without all the things adults think are so damn important. Once childhood is behind you, its all down hill from there. Its such a childish wish, but its such a powerful one.