Monday, May 30, 2011

Sick of myself

I've been angry on and off for the last several days. Its like panic attacks, except not. I'm angry at everyone, and I don't like myself much because of it. It's so ridiculously childish. I don't understand people, truly. It is four-thirty a.m. and I can't sleep. I had another incident, where I upset a civilian with military humor badly enough that we got kicked out of a friend's house. I am so confused, and really sad. I don't feel like a real person around other people. I am always so outside and apart from everyone. I'm sick of it. For an agoraphobic, who works really hard just to leave the house, having my teeth kicked in over misunderstandings is incredibly humiliating. Failed. Failed. Failed again. I have to be so self-conscious so I don't say horrible things to people, and manage my anxiety at the same time. Most of the time I end up playing with the kids or sitting as still and as quietly as possible, so as not to attract any attention. I can't really enjoy myself around other people, and its created this rift between me and the outside world. There just isn't anything for me out there. Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why bother? It is hard enough just being me, surviving myself. I haven't found much that would make it worthwhile to continue this psychological torture. And this AFTER prolonged exposure therapy.

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