Thursday, September 4, 2014

Debts, revenge, and killing time

So stuff happened. The last year has been...erratic. Dumped and stranded in Wyoming, forced to admit myself into a mental hospital under threat of homelessness, made homeless....

So there is a thing called "learned helplessness". I have been forced into a lot of no-win situations recently. I am trying to convince myself that just because life has consistently kicked me in the teeth no matter what I do, that I shouldn't just give up and take it. So I made some changes. I separated myself forcibly from my family, because really, forcing me into a mental hospital and then kicking me out on the street are not behaviors exhibited by people who love and care for you. When I screamed out for help to other members of my family I was faced with apathy. So what? Who cares? So, no more family for me. Nada.

While I was in the looney bin, a couple of savings bonds I had mysteriously disappeared. Screw it. I hope $1500 worth of stolen bonds makes you happy, because obviously I never could.

"Debt to society"

What are the actual grounds for debts to me? At what point do people actually owe me something because they screwed up my life? Because I'm about ready to start filing lawsuits. Do I sue the VA? I am currently off all of my medications, because someone in the VA cancelled all of my prescriptions and I can't get them until I have an appointment, which I can't do for another 3 weeks. I was morbidly ill from withdrawal from my anti-depressants (they call it discontinuation syndrome, but it is withdrawal), withdrawal from my anxiety medication, a benzodiazapine (withdrawal from which can kill you), lithium toxicity and then withdrawal from it. Suing a government agency is pointless and probably won't lead to anything good. It takes armed revolt to change governments.

Trying to mentally list all the shit that friends and family members have done to me is making me feel a little crazy. Theft, fraud, neglect, abuse....etc. If I filed lawsuits against all of them....first of all I wouldn't get anything out of it financially, but it would be nice for someone to say "These people are wrong and you are right". Instead of financial compensation, maybe I could force them into mental hospitals for intensive behavior modification. I go way out of the way to help my family, and I have for my entire life, but when I need help, I get shit on. With extreme prejudice.

Ok, so I have cut out all these negative influences in my life. Now what? I have moved to a place where I don't know anyone and no one knows me. I have a fresh start and am drama free. Well. I'm agoraphobic so making friends isn't really possible. I can't work or go to school right now, or possibly ever because of my crippling disabilities. I have no support structure. Where is the line for people who are just waiting to die?

Find something that makes life worth living.....I'm not suicidal. Really. I know this post sounds really bad. I just don't know what to do. I'm 31 years old and am facing a lifetime of nothing to do. I could pull a Count of Monte Cristo and dedicate my life to some elaborate revenge plot. There are a lot of people who I could avenge myself against. I could spend the rest of my life partying, because you can kill a lot of time that way. It's not a particularly fulfilling way to spend your life, but screw it. I think I'll just party for a while because I don't have any better ideas. At least that way I'm not obsessing over all the really bad things that have happened.