Sunday, June 5, 2011

Lala la di da

I am having serious problems with anger and impulse control. I find myself wanting to say horrible things to people who don't deserve it. I've been avoiding again, in a really bad way. Granted this week or so I have had an unholy amount of stress, but I'm normally much more in control of myself especially because I've been at home most of the time. I'm angry at the VA, which is fruitless. Being angry at bureaucrats is utterly pointless, they fix things so no matter what you do, you can't get anything done. Especially when what they are doing makes absolutely no fucking sense at all.
My therapist left, and I was reassigned to the old one again. The social worker with an office above a methadone clinic in the VA hospital. Hmmm someone with PTSD, and panic disorder with agoraphobia really needs to have to go through a methadone clinic before every appointment. Sounds like fun right? Lets make it even better, lets make it the Women's Trauma and Recovery Clinic above the methadone clinic. Those people really don't need to feel like they are in a safe environment. Lets see how bad we can fuck with their heads as soon as they walk through the damn door. I have to wait for 2 months to even get in to see her too, which is probably why I'm all kinds of crazy lately. They really don't think shit through. I have to wade through a bunch of homeless drug addicts to check into my appointments. I get eyed like a piece of raw meat thrown to a pack of hyenas. Just like old times.
People have started that "Don't let it upset you bullshit" that always pisses me off. What part of I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING SAY IN THE MATTER don't you understand? Its pretty straight forward. So I've been alternating between rage and self pity (which usually results in a spurt of impulse shopping which I can't afford because I have no money.)
Then they act all hurt when I get snappy. I'm like oh sorry, I'll just go medicate myself into oblivion so I don't hurt YOUR feelings. Excuse me for living. Its not like I say half the shit that pops into my head, because if I did ...well that would be bad. I used to be renowned for my ability to make people cry and feel terrible about themselves. Everybody has to be good at something right? I'm not a real person, and people don't treat me like one. I don't know what I am anymore, other than broken.
I've wanted to throw some epic temper tantrums today, but I didn't because I was trying to be good, and still got chided for snapping at people. I'm not allowed to want anything or feel anything. I'm really getting sick of hearing the word "no". Without justification or explanation. Just no. As though I'm a child. I'll start finger painting on the walls soon if I'm going to be treated like a kid anyway.

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