Monday, June 27, 2011

The rock and a hard place

I'm having dangerous thoughts tonight. It happens from time to time. Giving in to anger won't give you peace, from the constant fear, I know that. The danger lies in righteous anger. Oh everybody thinks they are right, no army ever went to war think God had sided with their enemy. As a victim, I feel in my heart that giving in to that anger and seeking vengeance would be worth the price I would pay. Not just for myself, but because the world is a little less safe with people who commit terrible crimes get away with it. Its only the law, not respect for it or fear of it, but the knowledge that the law would castrate the meaning behind it. The law couldn't protect me when I needed it to, because others saw themselves as above the law. If the law took my justice away from me and labeled it a crime, other victims might not protect themselves. The system is so broken, which makes me even angrier. They've wrapped themselves up so tightly with bureaucracy that they've lost sight of the true meaning of justice, because the criminals have more rights than those whose lives they destroy. So the criminals aren't held accountable, and the system isn't held accountable, and I am left with helpless rage.

People wonder why I don't trust people. First my life is destroyed through the actions of someone else, and then they just continue on with their lives like nothing is wrong, while I'm stuck in hell, paying the price for what they've done. Its wrong. Once upon at time I raised my hand and swore to uphold the constitution against all enemies, foreign and domestic and bear true faith and allegiance to the same. Well I can still hold up allegiance to the constitution, but faith in it and the way its manipulated to serve criminals is beyond my capacity for hypocrisy. I stood up in the face of the enemies of this country and upheld that oath, but the law didn't hold up its oath to protect me from those bastards that hurt me. It keeps happening, every day, over and over to other women who have served this country. We keep our oaths, and the country abdicates responsibility for us. Its shameful. This country has become what it was created to stand against. The bureaucrats only responsibility is to deny blame, to not be held accountable. A soldier's responsibility is to protect that bureaucrat with our lives if necessary.

I'm trapped, between my honor as a veteran, and my responsibility to live up to my oath, and moral outrage that this is continuously allowed to happen to people.

I know one thing is for sure. If I had one wish, it would be that I would become the kind of person who could just "get over it", just "let it go", because I would be a hell of a lot happier. Ignorance is bliss. If I could forget, even if I couldn't forgive, my life would be so much better. I'm not so foolish as to think I can save the world, but I wish I didn't have to constantly fight the feeling that I should be fighting to save it from itself. That is just a Greek tragedy waiting to happen. Why is it, that I feel compelled to always do the right thing in any given situation to the best of my ability, and others only take advantage of situations to get what they want? I find myself cursing the day humans were given the ability to feel higher emotions and free will. Its a recipe for disaster.

I fought in Iraq, not so we could make the world a better place, but so some asshole can film "Jersey Shore". Futility does not even begin to describe it. People are so fucking stupid.

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