Tuesday, January 4, 2011
I'm doing prolonged exposure therapy, and it really, really sucks. I have to go out every day and be around crowds of people. Just recently I've had to start going out around crowds of people and be alone for like half an hour. Its awful. I can't even take my panic attack medications even though I want to. My nightmares have been really bad lately and my mood sucks. I am trying to write a book, and it was flying for awhile, but since my mood has been so bad I haven't been writing as much. I'm ahead enough in my writing that I can type things out and do some editing work, when I'm not in the mood to write, but that isn't going to last forever. I did manage to write a few pages today, in between naps. I suppose I should be grateful for that, but I'm not really in the mood to be grateful for much of anything. Mostly I'm resentful. I try not to take it out on other people, so I kind of get quiet. Then everybody starts asking whats wrong and I just want to scream. They know perfectly well whats wrong. There's nothing anybody can do about it, and when I want to talk about things I talk about them. If I don't, I don't. I know that people just worry about me, and care about me, but I need to be left alone sometimes. We're also getting ready to move as soon as we find a rental in the area we are looking at. Then things are going to get really stressful because we'll have to put the condo up for sale, and start looking for houses to buy. The market is really bad right now, but we've got a good down payment so we should be able to get into a nice house. I really want to be excited about it but it is going to be alot of work and I'm already exhausted all the time. I'll probably have to do a lot of the packing myself while the bf is at work, because he doesn't want to take a bunch of time off to move. He's been stressed about work, plus the move, plus he has to help me with my therapy. I don't push to get my therapy done as much as I should, partly because I feel guilty that he's going through so much right now, and partly because I just don't want to do it. I want to be comfortable, I don't want to keep putting myself under all of this stress and pressure. I keep going, and I keep pushing, but holy shit, I'm tired. I haven't seen much improvement so far, and I haven't even started doing the other half of the therapy which is going to suck soooo bad I can't even stand thinking about it. Its been almost a year since I dropped out of school, and I really haven't made much progress on anything. People say I'm getting better but I don't feel better. I'm still miserable. Maybe I'm just getting used to being miserable. I don't know. All I know is that I'm depressed tonight, and I don't want to go to sleep.