Monday, January 10, 2011
Stress is cumulative. It just keeps building up. I think pain is also. I turn away from the pain, or turn it into anger so I can deal with it, or I ignore it, but its always there. When my stress level gets high enough, things start leaking through the cracks. It gets to the point where it doesn't even matter anymore. I can't even count the losses, the sleepless nights, or the tears I've cried. I don't have hope that things will get better. Everybody says things will work out the way it should, but in my experience they never do. I've survived, and some days that is something I deeply regret, because everyday is some new pain, more stress. I keep waiting for the worst, and I can't make it stop. When I'm alone I can't stand it, and when I'm not alone all I can think is how I want to be alone. More than once I've wondered when the stress itself will kill me, because physically the body can only take so much stress. I need something good to happen, I need to win, I need some fucking control back over my life. I am not going to sleep even though I'm tired right now, because I don't want to keep doing things just because I'm going through the motions. Even if its ultimately not good for me I want a fucking choice. There is no "getting over it", I have to live it, and live with it.