Monday, August 10, 2015

Not me

Some deeply scary shit has been going on with me. In a seriously misleading, understatement, I described this to my friends and family as "mood swings". Truthfully I had these episodes repeatedly for days where I was not myself. I vaguely remember the things I did, but in my head it doesn't feel real. It was like a nightmare that you can't quite remember. I destroyed a garden, and I guess tried to hurt myself. I keep wanting to say "It wasn't me!", because I would never hurt myself. I keep poking at my memories and trying to remember why I would do such things. All I remember are feelings. I remember rage. I remember morbid depression. I also feel like I thought I was in a nightmare and kept trying to wake myself up. But it wasn't a nightmare, it was real.

Oh holy shit, the stuff I said to people was terrible. But it scares the hell out of me that I could have hurt myself and not known why. I don't think anyone believes me that I wasn't myself. I really would never do the things that I did or say the things that I said.

I've been trying to figure out what happened. My family said that severe mood swings might be low blood sugar, which runs rampant in my family. It could also be the Ritalin that I was taking. (I quit taking that shit just in case that was it.) I have a doctor's appointment on Wed, and hopefully I won't get locked up in psych again.

I've been myself for the last two days, which is good. I'm not sure if I have permanently damaged some of my relationships with my behavior. I'm not trying to avoid taking responsibility for my actions, but something is seriously wrong with me. That's not who I am.

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