Why I was raped
I was raped because I was the only
female assigned to an infantry unit. I was raped because everyone was
angry and frustrated because soldiers in our unit kept dying. I was
raped because I was on outsider and nobody cared what happened to me.
I was raped because there was no one to protect me. I was assaulted
once because the soldier wanted to humiliate me. I was assaulted
other times, because they were stronger than me and didn't think I
would fight back.
I was raped because I was not in
control of the situation. I was raped because they wanted to use me.
I was raped because people I thought I could trust took advantage of
their position. I was raped because I was told that I had to get
along with the infantry no matter what. I was raped because I was
told that I couldn't cause trouble or I wouldn't be able to do my job
because the infantry wouldn't trust me. I was raped because they made
me to feel powerless, helpless. I was raped once because I was
drugged. I was violated and humiliated and furious. I had no one I
could trust. I felt alone. I believed I was going to die in Iraq and
I stopped caring. I stopped wanting to survive, and hoped I would die
to make it all stop.
I had sex with people I didn't want to
in order to gain a “protector”, because the infantry doesn't
poach other soldier's girlfriends. I don't like myself for that.
I learned that people cannot be
trusted. I learned the depths of human depravity, and now I can't see
people without remembering the evils that men are capable of. I
learned that I am never really safe. I was afraid to sleep for a long
time, because I was afraid I would wake up and someone would be
touching me or raping me. Once I was out on mission and I woke up and
a soldier had put his hands under my clothes and under my bra and was
fondling me and apparently he fell asleep like that. I learned that
there is no point in crying although sometimes you can't help it,
because it always makes you feel worse, makes you feel weak. I
learned to be afraid of people touching me. I don't believe someone
will be there to help me if something like that happens again. I
learned to be afraid to say no to sex. I had to keep going on my
missions no matter what happened. I was good at my job, but I hated
having to be around the infantry. No one cared about me. No one
helped me, and even when they tried I was afraid to report the rapes
and the assaults. I was afraid to be thought weak, so I was angry all
the time to protect myself.
Shame and guilt. Fear and anger. Always
feeling alone. They tried to punish me for not subjecting myself to
sexual assault by an Iraqi man. I had a screaming match about it with
one of my “bosses”. I hate that man so much. The “boss” not
the Iraqi. I tried to get the “boss” to help me but he wouldn't.
He told me to do whatever I had to in order to make that person help
us. The commander on that mission told me if I couldn't handle doing
my job to go wait in the truck. I went and waited in the truck and
felt humiliated and ashamed for not getting the job done, but I
wasn't going to let some Iraqi man touch me that way. I wanted to
shoot that guy dead, but he had valuable information we needed.
Always I felt that rules were against
me, made me unable to protect myself. No one helped me when I needed
it the most, and so now I know that when things get that bad, I have
only myself. I have Jon now, but I still don't trust people of
authority. I really don't trust anyone very much. I don't like
people. No one understands what I went through, and even my boyfriend doesn't
really understand what I am going through now. How afraid I am all
the time. How I can't stop thinking about these terrifying things.
How I can't stop remembering it all. When I remember I'm filled with
anger that is so intense I feel like I will die if I don't get it all
out. And still, I feel so alone most of the time. I feel like I'm
lost in the desert with no one around for hundreds of miles, and no
one is coming to save me.
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