I don't know

I don't know how to live with this. I'm tired of hiding with my head in the sand, but I can't keep suppressing these screams that build up every day. Its like there is a war going on in my head. I don't know what to do.

I still put my hair up before I get out of bed, just like I did in the army before morning formation every day.

They lie when they say God never gives you more than you can handle.

My heart has been broken for years now, and I am still waiting for the healing to start.

I don't know what to do. I really don't.

This is not the world I would have chosen to be born into, and I can't make it be the one I need. Whoever thought free will was a good idea ought to have been shot.

I'm running around in circles, because I can't escape, I can't get in my car and just drive. Everywhere I go there I am. Not fair. I'm lost, and I haven't left the house.

Don't anyone dare tell me it will get better. It only gets better when its about to get worse.

The rock and a hard place

I'm having dangerous thoughts tonight. It happens from time to time. Giving in to anger won't give you peace, from the constant fear, I know that. The danger lies in righteous anger. Oh everybody thinks they are right, no army ever went to war think God had sided with their enemy. As a victim, I feel in my heart that giving in to that anger and seeking vengeance would be worth the price I would pay. Not just for myself, but because the world is a little less safe with people who commit terrible crimes get away with it. Its only the law, not respect for it or fear of it, but the knowledge that the law would castrate the meaning behind it. The law couldn't protect me when I needed it to, because others saw themselves as above the law. If the law took my justice away from me and labeled it a crime, other victims might not protect themselves. The system is so broken, which makes me even angrier. They've wrapped themselves up so tightly with bureaucracy that they've lost sight of the true meaning of justice, because the criminals have more rights than those whose lives they destroy. So the criminals aren't held accountable, and the system isn't held accountable, and I am left with helpless rage.

People wonder why I don't trust people. First my life is destroyed through the actions of someone else, and then they just continue on with their lives like nothing is wrong, while I'm stuck in hell, paying the price for what they've done. Its wrong. Once upon at time I raised my hand and swore to uphold the constitution against all enemies, foreign and domestic and bear true faith and allegiance to the same. Well I can still hold up allegiance to the constitution, but faith in it and the way its manipulated to serve criminals is beyond my capacity for hypocrisy. I stood up in the face of the enemies of this country and upheld that oath, but the law didn't hold up its oath to protect me from those bastards that hurt me. It keeps happening, every day, over and over to other women who have served this country. We keep our oaths, and the country abdicates responsibility for us. Its shameful. This country has become what it was created to stand against. The bureaucrats only responsibility is to deny blame, to not be held accountable. A soldier's responsibility is to protect that bureaucrat with our lives if necessary.

I'm trapped, between my honor as a veteran, and my responsibility to live up to my oath, and moral outrage that this is continuously allowed to happen to people.

I know one thing is for sure. If I had one wish, it would be that I would become the kind of person who could just "get over it", just "let it go", because I would be a hell of a lot happier. Ignorance is bliss. If I could forget, even if I couldn't forgive, my life would be so much better. I'm not so foolish as to think I can save the world, but I wish I didn't have to constantly fight the feeling that I should be fighting to save it from itself. That is just a Greek tragedy waiting to happen. Why is it, that I feel compelled to always do the right thing in any given situation to the best of my ability, and others only take advantage of situations to get what they want? I find myself cursing the day humans were given the ability to feel higher emotions and free will. Its a recipe for disaster.

I fought in Iraq, not so we could make the world a better place, but so some asshole can film "Jersey Shore". Futility does not even begin to describe it. People are so fucking stupid.

Lala la di da

I am having serious problems with anger and impulse control. I find myself wanting to say horrible things to people who don't deserve it. I've been avoiding again, in a really bad way. Granted this week or so I have had an unholy amount of stress, but I'm normally much more in control of myself especially because I've been at home most of the time. I'm angry at the VA, which is fruitless. Being angry at bureaucrats is utterly pointless, they fix things so no matter what you do, you can't get anything done. Especially when what they are doing makes absolutely no fucking sense at all.
My therapist left, and I was reassigned to the old one again. The social worker with an office above a methadone clinic in the VA hospital. Hmmm someone with PTSD, and panic disorder with agoraphobia really needs to have to go through a methadone clinic before every appointment. Sounds like fun right? Lets make it even better, lets make it the Women's Trauma and Recovery Clinic above the methadone clinic. Those people really don't need to feel like they are in a safe environment. Lets see how bad we can fuck with their heads as soon as they walk through the damn door. I have to wait for 2 months to even get in to see her too, which is probably why I'm all kinds of crazy lately. They really don't think shit through. I have to wade through a bunch of homeless drug addicts to check into my appointments. I get eyed like a piece of raw meat thrown to a pack of hyenas. Just like old times.
People have started that "Don't let it upset you bullshit" that always pisses me off. What part of I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING SAY IN THE MATTER don't you understand? Its pretty straight forward. So I've been alternating between rage and self pity (which usually results in a spurt of impulse shopping which I can't afford because I have no money.)
Then they act all hurt when I get snappy. I'm like oh sorry, I'll just go medicate myself into oblivion so I don't hurt YOUR feelings. Excuse me for living. Its not like I say half the shit that pops into my head, because if I did ...well that would be bad. I used to be renowned for my ability to make people cry and feel terrible about themselves. Everybody has to be good at something right? I'm not a real person, and people don't treat me like one. I don't know what I am anymore, other than broken.
I've wanted to throw some epic temper tantrums today, but I didn't because I was trying to be good, and still got chided for snapping at people. I'm not allowed to want anything or feel anything. I'm really getting sick of hearing the word "no". Without justification or explanation. Just no. As though I'm a child. I'll start finger painting on the walls soon if I'm going to be treated like a kid anyway.

Sick of myself

I've been angry on and off for the last several days. Its like panic attacks, except not. I'm angry at everyone, and I don't like myself much because of it. It's so ridiculously childish. I don't understand people, truly. It is four-thirty a.m. and I can't sleep. I had another incident, where I upset a civilian with military humor badly enough that we got kicked out of a friend's house. I am so confused, and really sad. I don't feel like a real person around other people. I am always so outside and apart from everyone. I'm sick of it. For an agoraphobic, who works really hard just to leave the house, having my teeth kicked in over misunderstandings is incredibly humiliating. Failed. Failed. Failed again. I have to be so self-conscious so I don't say horrible things to people, and manage my anxiety at the same time. Most of the time I end up playing with the kids or sitting as still and as quietly as possible, so as not to attract any attention. I can't really enjoy myself around other people, and its created this rift between me and the outside world. There just isn't anything for me out there. Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why bother? It is hard enough just being me, surviving myself. I haven't found much that would make it worthwhile to continue this psychological torture. And this AFTER prolonged exposure therapy.

Childish things

I've spent the evening trying to convince myself of who I am, and all I've gained from my efforts is a vague sense of confusion. I've gone back to hiding from my fears. I wish I was the kind of person that could confront them and then put them behind me. Instead I seem to be the kind of person that keeps running headfirst into my fears and then running in the opposite direction into another. Always running and never getting anywhere. So much effort and such terrible rewards. I used to be a terribly strong person, or at least a person who was too stubborn to quit. People keep saying I'm brave, but I'm not. Not anymore. I don't even have the anger, that drive to prove people wrong out of sheer spite. I also kind of feel like every significant experience I've had in my life is it, and that for better or worse there will be nothing else. I don't want to live the rest of my life this way, but I don't know what to do. I keep expecting to wake up some VA home for old crazy people, like Rip Van Winkle. I don't know what to do, what to be. I cannot imagine a future, and I have an excellent imagination. Life is never going live up to my expectations, the world and the people in it, for the most part, are always going to let me down. Becoming a soldier was one of the most life changing experiences I've ever had, hell nobody really gets more life changing than that. Especially once you've been to war. Once you've accepted that people can and will kill you, you can never look at the world the same way again. Once you've accepted that people who were supposed to care about you, or at least be responsible for your safety will rape you and hurt you beyond anything you've ever felt, you can never be the same again. I spend way more time than most people do trying to create the illusion of safety. I hide a whole lot more than is healthy. I don't believe in that illusion of safety, but I keep hoping I will. When that is the best you can hope for, you are in a seriously fucked up place. I want to remake the entire world, so that no one ever has to suffer anything like this. I want to give the world back a sense of magic and hope. I want to make everyone stop being so damn jaded. Unreasonable expectations all of them. I really don't want that kind of responsibility anyway. If I could do without anyone expecting it, or knowing that I did it at all, I totally would. Imagine if one day you could wake up and everything is just suddenly better, because you can look at the world through a child's eyes again. No hard truths, no harsh realities, just the simple ability to be filled with joy at the simplest things. Sunshine, kittens, crayons, chairs that spin around in circles, all reasons to be happy without all the things adults think are so damn important. Once childhood is behind you, its all down hill from there. Its such a childish wish, but its such a powerful one.

Nonsense

I've been feeling more like Alice, from Alice's Adventures in Wonderland more and more each day. I even got a button with a quote from the book. Life doesn't make sense, people don't make sense, society doesn't make sense, the rules, laws, and social contracts we bind around ourselves don't make sense. I don't make sense. I've always felt this way, but the feelings have gotten more intense. I'm confused about who I am supposed to be. I don't know what I am supposed to do. I don't know what I want from one moment to the next. The more I learn, the more I realize, I know nothing. I have a general sense of right and wrong, and I kind of wing it from there. I am compulsively honest, and generally am disliked or overlooked entirely. I don't mind it as much as I used to. I've learned it is better not to be around people with whom I have nothing in common. There is a quote from somewhere that comes to mind and I'm sure I am mangling it, but it goes something like "Never surround yourself with those in who's company you would not gladly die." I'm annoyed that I can't figure out the correct punctuation for that quote. I don't want to be the sum of my parts, or be what the past has made me. I keep trying to make someone new, but that is difficult. The world has moved on. I stopped being young at some point, because some experiences prevent you from staying wrapped in your illusions. It makes me feel old. I'm quite adept at mimicking what people expect to see, but most of the time I don't bother. Its something the army taught me, and I find I have no use for it in the civilian world. Frankly, its dishonest, and quite distasteful to me. Generally, I only speak when I have something to say. I say what I mean, and I mean what I say. Most of the time. I am consistent only in my inconsistency. I am so very tired of myself. I am like a puzzle with pieces missing, that doesn't seem to form an understandable picture. Not even abstract art, because it has no purpose behind it. Just random. I should go to bed, I've been tired all day, but when I lay down I cannot sleep. Try, try, again.

Once again

I had a horrible realization tonight. I've been looking for a long time for a way to be happy just because I'm me. I don't know if I ever will find a way, but it doesn't seem likely. I start collecting hobbies, and then leave them all unfinished. I'm so tired. It is a hard thing to realize that you really don't like yourself. I'm not even feeling sorry for myself at this point, I'm just sort of shocked. I started crying earlier watching a damn cartoon, and have been crying on and off for hours. I'm questioning every decision I've made for the last several years, and every decision I just didn't make that I needed to. I almost got in the car and drove straight to the hospital tonight so that I could be someplace safe, where I could just stop being for awhile. But the truth is that there is no answer, none that the doctors can give me, none that anyone can give me. Damn I hate crying, its so fucking useless. The more I learn the less I know, until I finally understand that I will never know, but I still have to find some damn way to get through this life. Like Cee-Lo says "I can die when I'm done." I did what I set out to do, I made it through five years in the Army, because I needed to prove something to myself. But what do I do now? I still haven't found all the pieces of myself that I've lost. I know that I have to find some way to live, because I'm too spiteful to let the bastards win. I just don't have a lot left to work with anymore. Oh I could survive, but will I ever find happiness? I'm a strong person, but that doesn't do me a hell of a lot of good at this point. I can keep pushing through everything and ignore the hurt until the day I die, but who wants that? I can keep forcing myself to "acknowledge my feelings and thoughts and letting them go", but they don't go. They keep coming back. I started a jar. I put money in it every time I catch myself thinking about things I shouldn't, its just kind of a way to measure how fucked up I am over a given period of time. Maybe I'll make a spread sheet and keep track of it, that would make my therapist happy. Everybody keeps telling me how well I'm doing, but the truth is I'm not doing anything. I don't do a damn thing. I just am. I suffer therefore I am, right? I hate this, I don't like feeling like this, I don't like writing about this, and I sure as hell don't want to talk about this. My head starts spinning when I try to figure out all the ramifications of this epiphany, the ripples go so far. Its like looking at the universe, at infinity, and trying to find home. Religious people so have it made, everything is black and white, and no matter how bad this life sucks it has a purpose and in the end is 72 virgins or a castle in the clouds. Frankly, when I die, all I want is some peace and fucking quiet, and the inability to remember any of this shit. Maybe get reborn as a house cat, fat and lazy. People are too complicated, and because people are complicated they make life complicated which makes people more complicated and around and round she goes. I'm not even making sense anymore so I guess its time for meds.