Therapy

I'm doing prolonged exposure therapy, and it really, really sucks. I have to go out every day and be around crowds of people. Just recently I've had to start going out around crowds of people and be alone for like half an hour. Its awful. I can't even take my panic attack medications even though I want to. My nightmares have been really bad lately and my mood sucks. I am trying to write a book, and it was flying for awhile, but since my mood has been so bad I haven't been writing as much. I'm ahead enough in my writing that I can type things out and do some editing work, when I'm not in the mood to write, but that isn't going to last forever. I did manage to write a few pages today, in between naps. I suppose I should be grateful for that, but I'm not really in the mood to be grateful for much of anything. Mostly I'm resentful. I try not to take it out on other people, so I kind of get quiet. Then everybody starts asking whats wrong and I just want to scream. They know perfectly well whats wrong. There's nothing anybody can do about it, and when I want to talk about things I talk about them. If I don't, I don't. I know that people just worry about me, and care about me, but I need to be left alone sometimes. We're also getting ready to move as soon as we find a rental in the area we are looking at. Then things are going to get really stressful because we'll have to put the condo up for sale, and start looking for houses to buy. The market is really bad right now, but we've got a good down payment so we should be able to get into a nice house. I really want to be excited about it but it is going to be alot of work and I'm already exhausted all the time. I'll probably have to do a lot of the packing myself while the bf is at work, because he doesn't want to take a bunch of time off to move. He's been stressed about work, plus the move, plus he has to help me with my therapy. I don't push to get my therapy done as much as I should, partly because I feel guilty that he's going through so much right now, and partly because I just don't want to do it. I want to be comfortable, I don't want to keep putting myself under all of this stress and pressure. I keep going, and I keep pushing, but holy shit, I'm tired. I haven't seen much improvement so far, and I haven't even started doing the other half of the therapy which is going to suck soooo bad I can't even stand thinking about it. Its been almost a year since I dropped out of school, and I really haven't made much progress on anything. People say I'm getting better but I don't feel better. I'm still miserable. Maybe I'm just getting used to being miserable. I don't know. All I know is that I'm depressed tonight, and I don't want to go to sleep.

Scared to sleep

I'm scared to go to sleep, and I'm scared to take my sleeping meds. I've been having these nightmares that are awful, and they wake me up but not all the way. So I'm stuck halfway in between reality and a dream. I'm so tired but I just can't fall asleep. I start having unwanted memories, and thoughts and they make me afraid to go to sleep because I don't want to dream about those things. I don't know what to do. Exhausted.

Hate and fear and therapy

I'm scared to go to sleep, because every night I have to live through every fear and bad memory all over again, but waking up feels like dying. I just want to shut off the world, to give me a chance to catch up. All day I spend my time exhausted and apathetic, I want to sleep all day, but I'm still scared to go to sleep. I take my pills, but everything's worse now, so they don't work as well. This is therapy.

When I don't get enough sleep, I overreact to everything, or else don't react at all. I'm almost too tired to be anxious, but not tired enough to be pissed. I want to be alone, but I can't stand it when I am. I think the cure may be worse than the curse. I barely feel alive. I hate being condescended to, which people do when I'm flipping out. I might be crazy but I'm not stupid. I DO know how to breathe thank you very much. I KNOW its not rational but I still FEEL the things I do. Down is up, and black is white, and all anyone can do is wait til the feelings pass. I wish people would stop trying to help. I wish I could stop hating myself.

Zomg

Losing my mind!!!!!!!!

Sleep and Prolonged exposure therapy

So I recently started prolonged exposure therapy, which is exhausting by the way, and because my "homework" is to get at least one exposure a day, I'm having serious problems with anxiety and paranoia. I went shopping with one of my friends and some guys pointed at us and started walking our way, and I immediately started conducting counter-surveillance maneuvers. Then I had a massive panic attack. Another pleasant part of the therapy is that I have to wait 20 minutes before I can take my medication after panic attacks start, I seriously thought I was going to die.

Then as if that weren't stressful enough, for the last two nights in a row, I've watched guys trying to break into cars in the parking lot downstairs from my building. So I insisted that my bf call the cops. He didn't see the first one, and I was spazzing a little bit so he thought I was being paranoid. The next night he saw it, and called the cops. I was more than a little bit angry.

Also I have been having horrible nightmares. Sometimes they wake me up, and other times I can't wake up as hard as I try. When I manage to wake up, I automatically start looking for something sweet to eat, because even though I'm awake the nightmares are still playing themselves out in my head. Its horrible. I don't know why I have the compulsive need to eat when I get woken up by a nightmare, but I started keeping candy nearby. One morning I woke up and found I had eaten a half a bag of chocolate chips and didn't remember it. I had chocolate smeared all over my hands and face, I kinda looked like a toddler. So I am exhausted. OMG, I want a night of uninterrupted sleep more than anything I've ever wanted before. But every day I have to do an exposure and I FUCKING HATE IT! I'm sooo tired, I don't want to keep putting myself in situations where I'm going to be stressed out, on purpose no less. Its seriously depressing. I'm not even really excited about Christmas anymore. I can't concentrate very well.

I'm writing a book. Its been the only thing that can really get me excited, because I have the book almost finished in my head, I'm just waiting for my hands to catch up. I'm writing it on legal pads (yes I know that is kind of crazy), and I hunted for weeks for the perfect pen. Eventually I'll have it all typed out when I decide to start hunting up a publishing agent. Its a fiction novel. Some action, some suspense, drama, and just for good measure a little romance. I'm kind of in love with my characters, they make the story so easy to write, because I know them so well.

So I hope everyone is having a better holiday season than I am lately. Merry Christmas and all that other stuff.

Crisis number 442

I talked to the Dav finally today. The guy told me that I wasn't going to get 100%, because people that got 100% because of PTSD ought to be locked up somewhere forever. He also told me that I screwed up working with Vetwow, and suggested that they could dissolve their power of attorney and I could handle things myself. Of course I begged him not to. He said they didn't have any of my paperwork and not to bother sending it to them now. By the end of the conversation I felt like (and still feel like) stopping my appeal altogether. According to him I've got at least another year, and who was I to try and get it done faster when there are people who have been waiting for 3 years. So basically all this time I've spent feeling like I've got an axe hanging over my head is meaningless to them or anyone else. I called my therapist and she said she couldn't help. So fuck the DAV and fuck the VA and everyone else. I don't need this shit. I just want to hide in the darkest, quietest, corner I can find and stay there until this all goes away. I'm tired of being treated like a number or a nuisance or a child who can't take care of herself. Of course, lol, I can't take care of myself. I find myself wishing I had just gotten blown to hell in Iraq so I wouldn't have to be dealing with this shit now.

In all the sexual assaults I think about or talk about, there's one that I never mentioned. A ranking NCO. When I first got to Iraq I was so grateful to have him there, because he protected me from some of the other assholes in my company who thought I was good for nothing. He worked hard to gain my trust, and when it came down to it, I couldn't say no. I thought he was the only one there who would protect me. I didn't know what to do. It was such bullshit. I never reported it, because I was so confused and afraid. He manipulated me to get what he wanted. I know that now. At the time, I was so conflicted about everything. He made me think he was the only friend I had in the world.