Tired again, naturally

I hate being confronted with the fact that PTSD is so much bigger than me. People shouldn't have to look at all their worst fears and experiences every day. It is driving me crazy. I really hate myself. I don't know who I'm supposed to be, or who I am. I'm tired. I'm tired in a way that makes my soul ache, and makes me wonder how much longer I'll survive this much suffering. All I can do is pretend sometimes that I know what I'm doing, and that I'll be okay. Nobody can help me, although God knows some have tried. Every time I start believing things might be okay, I get sucker punched, and it starts all over again. How do I make it stop, short of dying? Cause I really hate the idea of another 50 years of this shit.

Never

You really can't go home again. Not after war, you leave a part of yourself behind when you get off that plane. You'll never be the same again.

Can'ts and Don'ts

I told my psychiatrist today that I couldn't stop thinking about dying. She told me that my medication was fine, and I would have to deal with it in therapy.

A dog will play with almost anything if he thinks he can get away with it. A cat will sleep anywhere that physics will allow them to get away with. Any person under the right circumstances will betray everything they hold dear and make themselves a hypocrite. Its all relative.

I hate people, really I do. I'm cynical and bitter, and I can't think past my "right now". You can't think about the future without thinking about the past, and my past is fucked up. Everything in my experience has taught me that people cannot be trusted. I can trust my judgment, because if my opinion of human nature was any worse I would become a maniac bent on the destruction of the world. Like comic book style, try to destroy the world, and since there are no super heroes in this world I could probably get away with it. I have impulse control problems. The only reason I don't go around punching people who annoy me is, because it wouldn't teach them anything as most people are too stupid to learn. Not that I care about teaching anybody anything, but it would be pointless.

All I want is peace and fucking quiet. I don't want to think or feel anything. Life is too hard, and I don't care enough anymore. I ran out of give-a-shit a long fucking time ago. I kind of wish they would lock me up in a little white room with all the Thorazine they can shoot me up with, and all the jello I can eat. Except they probably wouldn't let me bring my cat. I am sort of attached to her. I'm not living now, but I'm not dead yet and suicide is cowardice. So I'm just waiting for my turn to kick the bucket. I'm all out of convictions. I used to want to save the world, and now I don't think I even want to save myself.

Forgotten

I can't stand feeling all alone. I'm emotionally dangerous to myself, its like a bomb with a short fuse of emotional shit waiting to blow up in my head all the time. I'm running out of distractions. I don't want to eat, or sleep, or bathe, or take care of the house. I'm locked in my head and I can't get out. Everything I do or don't do makes me feel terrible about myself, and all I can hear is the hissing of that fuse waiting to blow.

I can't make decisions to save my life. I wish I could just shut it all off. I can't find a corner of my mind to hide in, and feel safe. I wish I could pretend everything is fine, I know people who can pretend it so hard that it almost feels real, but I'm not one of them. I'm driving myself crazy, but I can't stop it.

I know there are those who can find power in the simple things in life, and I think I used to know how to do that, but my memory isn't so good.

I'm like a child, utterly dependent on others. I was this amazing person, who stayed surrounded by enemies, bombs falling everywhere, and people dying all around me, and now I've been reduced to this. But who cares right? I don't recognize my own face in the pictures or in the mirror. I'm not a real person, just a used up, washed out soldier who got old before my time.

I'm surrounded by people who have never had to sort through the bloody rubble of war to try and find themselves again, and they will never understand. Civilians seem stupid and shallow and incapable to me, because I keep trying to hold everyone to the same standards. I can't even live up to those standards anymore. My power is missing along with so many other things.

I don't want to be this anymore, but I don't know how not to be. I don't remember. I forgot too much, and not nearly enough. If I had died my story might have had some relevance, but I'm just another broken soldier now, and no one wants responsibility for us broken toys. Stick it on a high shelf in the back of a closet and try to forget. I can't take any pride in surviving, and I can't help wishing I had died, because I so desperately want some peace.

I'm stumbling around in a world I don't understand anymore, and everyone keeps asking too much from me. All I want to do is forget. All I can do is exist, as more of a thing than a person.

I don't know

I don't know how to live with this. I'm tired of hiding with my head in the sand, but I can't keep suppressing these screams that build up every day. Its like there is a war going on in my head. I don't know what to do.

I still put my hair up before I get out of bed, just like I did in the army before morning formation every day.

They lie when they say God never gives you more than you can handle.

My heart has been broken for years now, and I am still waiting for the healing to start.

I don't know what to do. I really don't.

This is not the world I would have chosen to be born into, and I can't make it be the one I need. Whoever thought free will was a good idea ought to have been shot.

I'm running around in circles, because I can't escape, I can't get in my car and just drive. Everywhere I go there I am. Not fair. I'm lost, and I haven't left the house.

Don't anyone dare tell me it will get better. It only gets better when its about to get worse.

The rock and a hard place

I'm having dangerous thoughts tonight. It happens from time to time. Giving in to anger won't give you peace, from the constant fear, I know that. The danger lies in righteous anger. Oh everybody thinks they are right, no army ever went to war think God had sided with their enemy. As a victim, I feel in my heart that giving in to that anger and seeking vengeance would be worth the price I would pay. Not just for myself, but because the world is a little less safe with people who commit terrible crimes get away with it. Its only the law, not respect for it or fear of it, but the knowledge that the law would castrate the meaning behind it. The law couldn't protect me when I needed it to, because others saw themselves as above the law. If the law took my justice away from me and labeled it a crime, other victims might not protect themselves. The system is so broken, which makes me even angrier. They've wrapped themselves up so tightly with bureaucracy that they've lost sight of the true meaning of justice, because the criminals have more rights than those whose lives they destroy. So the criminals aren't held accountable, and the system isn't held accountable, and I am left with helpless rage.

People wonder why I don't trust people. First my life is destroyed through the actions of someone else, and then they just continue on with their lives like nothing is wrong, while I'm stuck in hell, paying the price for what they've done. Its wrong. Once upon at time I raised my hand and swore to uphold the constitution against all enemies, foreign and domestic and bear true faith and allegiance to the same. Well I can still hold up allegiance to the constitution, but faith in it and the way its manipulated to serve criminals is beyond my capacity for hypocrisy. I stood up in the face of the enemies of this country and upheld that oath, but the law didn't hold up its oath to protect me from those bastards that hurt me. It keeps happening, every day, over and over to other women who have served this country. We keep our oaths, and the country abdicates responsibility for us. Its shameful. This country has become what it was created to stand against. The bureaucrats only responsibility is to deny blame, to not be held accountable. A soldier's responsibility is to protect that bureaucrat with our lives if necessary.

I'm trapped, between my honor as a veteran, and my responsibility to live up to my oath, and moral outrage that this is continuously allowed to happen to people.

I know one thing is for sure. If I had one wish, it would be that I would become the kind of person who could just "get over it", just "let it go", because I would be a hell of a lot happier. Ignorance is bliss. If I could forget, even if I couldn't forgive, my life would be so much better. I'm not so foolish as to think I can save the world, but I wish I didn't have to constantly fight the feeling that I should be fighting to save it from itself. That is just a Greek tragedy waiting to happen. Why is it, that I feel compelled to always do the right thing in any given situation to the best of my ability, and others only take advantage of situations to get what they want? I find myself cursing the day humans were given the ability to feel higher emotions and free will. Its a recipe for disaster.

I fought in Iraq, not so we could make the world a better place, but so some asshole can film "Jersey Shore". Futility does not even begin to describe it. People are so fucking stupid.

Lala la di da

I am having serious problems with anger and impulse control. I find myself wanting to say horrible things to people who don't deserve it. I've been avoiding again, in a really bad way. Granted this week or so I have had an unholy amount of stress, but I'm normally much more in control of myself especially because I've been at home most of the time. I'm angry at the VA, which is fruitless. Being angry at bureaucrats is utterly pointless, they fix things so no matter what you do, you can't get anything done. Especially when what they are doing makes absolutely no fucking sense at all.
My therapist left, and I was reassigned to the old one again. The social worker with an office above a methadone clinic in the VA hospital. Hmmm someone with PTSD, and panic disorder with agoraphobia really needs to have to go through a methadone clinic before every appointment. Sounds like fun right? Lets make it even better, lets make it the Women's Trauma and Recovery Clinic above the methadone clinic. Those people really don't need to feel like they are in a safe environment. Lets see how bad we can fuck with their heads as soon as they walk through the damn door. I have to wait for 2 months to even get in to see her too, which is probably why I'm all kinds of crazy lately. They really don't think shit through. I have to wade through a bunch of homeless drug addicts to check into my appointments. I get eyed like a piece of raw meat thrown to a pack of hyenas. Just like old times.
People have started that "Don't let it upset you bullshit" that always pisses me off. What part of I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING SAY IN THE MATTER don't you understand? Its pretty straight forward. So I've been alternating between rage and self pity (which usually results in a spurt of impulse shopping which I can't afford because I have no money.)
Then they act all hurt when I get snappy. I'm like oh sorry, I'll just go medicate myself into oblivion so I don't hurt YOUR feelings. Excuse me for living. Its not like I say half the shit that pops into my head, because if I did ...well that would be bad. I used to be renowned for my ability to make people cry and feel terrible about themselves. Everybody has to be good at something right? I'm not a real person, and people don't treat me like one. I don't know what I am anymore, other than broken.
I've wanted to throw some epic temper tantrums today, but I didn't because I was trying to be good, and still got chided for snapping at people. I'm not allowed to want anything or feel anything. I'm really getting sick of hearing the word "no". Without justification or explanation. Just no. As though I'm a child. I'll start finger painting on the walls soon if I'm going to be treated like a kid anyway.