Monday, May 3, 2010


I feel helpless. I don't feel like I have any control over any part of my life. I feel like every aspect of my life is directed by my symptoms. I over eat. I'm depressed. I can't get out of bed. I can't go anywhere. I can't get a job. I can't go back to school. I feel like my head is going to go spinning off on its own. I can't sleep. Can't can't can't can't.

Someone told me that I was using my symptoms as a crutch, and my jaw dropped. Is it easier to be fucking miserable and hate myself every day? Orly? I'm afraid of people. I was raped in a combat zone by one of the soldiers who was supposed to be on my team. In the army to work with another soldier every day makes that soldier your family. I don't even remember how many incidents of sexual assault and harassment I was the victim of in Iraq. I didn't deal with the fallout of the rape right away because I was bullied/brainwashed into believing I still owed the unit something. They didn't protect me. Matter of fact, I was told I would continue to endure it and do my job or else. So now a couple of years later, all of this shit comes crashing down on my head and I (not surprisingly) breakdown. Completely. I go to my appointments, I take my pills, and every damn day I think how much easier it would have been if I had died in Iraq. I don't live. I might as well be dead some days. I exist.

There is nothing anyone can say (I've heard it all) to make this better. Nothing can give me back what I lost, or the time that I'm still losing. There is no compensation for that. Me sitting at home all day instead of working or going to school isn't a good thing for me. Its not healthy. Its definitely not something I want. It isn't a choice I made. If I kept working and going to school, I think I would have killed myself. I couldn't deal with the sheer number of panic attacks I was having. Spending all damn day dealing with panic attacks isn't productive. I would have failed, or died trying to push myself so hard. Panic attacks are exhausting. Constant anxiety is exhausting.

I'm not a weak person. I sound like one right now, and I feel like one. No one could have survived the things I have survived in much better shape than I am in now. So screw it. Someone clearly has no faith in me. That is not a new experience for me.

So sleep, yeah. Gonna go try that now.

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