Wednesday, April 13, 2011
I've been feeling more like Alice, from Alice's Adventures in Wonderland more and more each day. I even got a button with a quote from the book. Life doesn't make sense, people don't make sense, society doesn't make sense, the rules, laws, and social contracts we bind around ourselves don't make sense. I don't make sense. I've always felt this way, but the feelings have gotten more intense. I'm confused about who I am supposed to be. I don't know what I am supposed to do. I don't know what I want from one moment to the next. The more I learn, the more I realize, I know nothing. I have a general sense of right and wrong, and I kind of wing it from there. I am compulsively honest, and generally am disliked or overlooked entirely. I don't mind it as much as I used to. I've learned it is better not to be around people with whom I have nothing in common. There is a quote from somewhere that comes to mind and I'm sure I am mangling it, but it goes something like "Never surround yourself with those in who's company you would not gladly die." I'm annoyed that I can't figure out the correct punctuation for that quote. I don't want to be the sum of my parts, or be what the past has made me. I keep trying to make someone new, but that is difficult. The world has moved on. I stopped being young at some point, because some experiences prevent you from staying wrapped in your illusions. It makes me feel old. I'm quite adept at mimicking what people expect to see, but most of the time I don't bother. Its something the army taught me, and I find I have no use for it in the civilian world. Frankly, its dishonest, and quite distasteful to me. Generally, I only speak when I have something to say. I say what I mean, and I mean what I say. Most of the time. I am consistent only in my inconsistency. I am so very tired of myself. I am like a puzzle with pieces missing, that doesn't seem to form an understandable picture. Not even abstract art, because it has no purpose behind it. Just random. I should go to bed, I've been tired all day, but when I lay down I cannot sleep. Try, try, again.