Monday, November 12, 2012

Damn it all

Lord what a mess. My life seems to be a sequence of ever increasing crisis'. My anxiety is running a muck. Not the least of it is because of therapy. I am starting to feel like a punching bag again. Nightmares are back naturally. At least with the prolonged exposure therapy I started seeing progress right away. It gave me a certain limited freedom from my agoraphobia. I still have to have someone I trust with me in order to leave the house, but at least I CAN leave. I'm less terrified of the panic attacks now. I'm willing to try to make an effort, in a small way at least, to leave home.

This new therapy thing is going to be the worst sort of hell imaginable. Already my mind is consumed with these memories that are pure torture. Can't stop thinking about the rapes and the assault. I'm constantly on edge, anxious. Non-stop panic attacks. It's exhausting. You can imagine my resentment when my therapist told me I had to write a paper entitled "Why I was raped". How stupid can you be?

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