I hurt today. I woke up with a migraine. Yesterday's post tore me to pieces. I want to go back to sleep so bad it hurts, but I can't. I dreamed of gleeful violence last night, and I woke up angry all over again.
That sonofabitch doesn't ever want to run into me again, but I want to hurt him the way he hurt me. Writing these things down forces me to relive those experiences in HD with surround sound.
Guilt over my friend's death isn't a part of it though. For the most part, his death was a painful loss, and it makes me sad. I decided long ago that my first child will be named after him, as a sort of memorial. I will remember him forever because he was a wonderful person who served honorably and died doing his job.
I have so many memories similar to this one, that it will take me a long time to write about them all. Sometimes I just have to get some of it out. Especially when its pointed out that I'm hiding from these memories. I've never been the hiding sort.
The last time I spoke of some of these memories I spent three days in bed. I don't know how long I'll be miserable and want to hide in bed after this, but the theory is that eventually this will be a positive for me. Got to tear off the scabs so the wound can heal I guess.