Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Hate and fear and therapy

I'm scared to go to sleep, because every night I have to live through every fear and bad memory all over again, but waking up feels like dying. I just want to shut off the world, to give me a chance to catch up. All day I spend my time exhausted and apathetic, I want to sleep all day, but I'm still scared to go to sleep. I take my pills, but everything's worse now, so they don't work as well. This is therapy.

When I don't get enough sleep, I overreact to everything, or else don't react at all. I'm almost too tired to be anxious, but not tired enough to be pissed. I want to be alone, but I can't stand it when I am. I think the cure may be worse than the curse. I barely feel alive. I hate being condescended to, which people do when I'm flipping out. I might be crazy but I'm not stupid. I DO know how to breathe thank you very much. I KNOW its not rational but I still FEEL the things I do. Down is up, and black is white, and all anyone can do is wait til the feelings pass. I wish people would stop trying to help. I wish I could stop hating myself.

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