So I recently started prolonged exposure therapy, which is exhausting by the way, and because my "homework" is to get at least one exposure a day, I'm having serious problems with anxiety and paranoia. I went shopping with one of my friends and some guys pointed at us and started walking our way, and I immediately started conducting counter-surveillance maneuvers. Then I had a massive panic attack. Another pleasant part of the therapy is that I have to wait 20 minutes before I can take my medication after panic attacks start, I seriously thought I was going to die.
Then as if that weren't stressful enough, for the last two nights in a row, I've watched guys trying to break into cars in the parking lot downstairs from my building. So I insisted that my bf call the cops. He didn't see the first one, and I was spazzing a little bit so he thought I was being paranoid. The next night he saw it, and called the cops. I was more than a little bit angry.
Also I have been having horrible nightmares. Sometimes they wake me up, and other times I can't wake up as hard as I try. When I manage to wake up, I automatically start looking for something sweet to eat, because even though I'm awake the nightmares are still playing themselves out in my head. Its horrible. I don't know why I have the compulsive need to eat when I get woken up by a nightmare, but I started keeping candy nearby. One morning I woke up and found I had eaten a half a bag of chocolate chips and didn't remember it. I had chocolate smeared all over my hands and face, I kinda looked like a toddler. So I am exhausted. OMG, I want a night of uninterrupted sleep more than anything I've ever wanted before. But every day I have to do an exposure and I FUCKING HATE IT! I'm sooo tired, I don't want to keep putting myself in situations where I'm going to be stressed out, on purpose no less. Its seriously depressing. I'm not even really excited about Christmas anymore. I can't concentrate very well.
I'm writing a book. Its been the only thing that can really get me excited, because I have the book almost finished in my head, I'm just waiting for my hands to catch up. I'm writing it on legal pads (yes I know that is kind of crazy), and I hunted for weeks for the perfect pen. Eventually I'll have it all typed out when I decide to start hunting up a publishing agent. Its a fiction novel. Some action, some suspense, drama, and just for good measure a little romance. I'm kind of in love with my characters, they make the story so easy to write, because I know them so well.
So I hope everyone is having a better holiday season than I am lately. Merry Christmas and all that other stuff.