Friday, July 15, 2011

Can'ts and Don'ts

I told my psychiatrist today that I couldn't stop thinking about dying. She told me that my medication was fine, and I would have to deal with it in therapy.

A dog will play with almost anything if he thinks he can get away with it. A cat will sleep anywhere that physics will allow them to get away with. Any person under the right circumstances will betray everything they hold dear and make themselves a hypocrite. Its all relative.

I hate people, really I do. I'm cynical and bitter, and I can't think past my "right now". You can't think about the future without thinking about the past, and my past is fucked up. Everything in my experience has taught me that people cannot be trusted. I can trust my judgment, because if my opinion of human nature was any worse I would become a maniac bent on the destruction of the world. Like comic book style, try to destroy the world, and since there are no super heroes in this world I could probably get away with it. I have impulse control problems. The only reason I don't go around punching people who annoy me is, because it wouldn't teach them anything as most people are too stupid to learn. Not that I care about teaching anybody anything, but it would be pointless.

All I want is peace and fucking quiet. I don't want to think or feel anything. Life is too hard, and I don't care enough anymore. I ran out of give-a-shit a long fucking time ago. I kind of wish they would lock me up in a little white room with all the Thorazine they can shoot me up with, and all the jello I can eat. Except they probably wouldn't let me bring my cat. I am sort of attached to her. I'm not living now, but I'm not dead yet and suicide is cowardice. So I'm just waiting for my turn to kick the bucket. I'm all out of convictions. I used to want to save the world, and now I don't think I even want to save myself.

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