Friday, July 1, 2011


I can't stand feeling all alone. I'm emotionally dangerous to myself, its like a bomb with a short fuse of emotional shit waiting to blow up in my head all the time. I'm running out of distractions. I don't want to eat, or sleep, or bathe, or take care of the house. I'm locked in my head and I can't get out. Everything I do or don't do makes me feel terrible about myself, and all I can hear is the hissing of that fuse waiting to blow.

I can't make decisions to save my life. I wish I could just shut it all off. I can't find a corner of my mind to hide in, and feel safe. I wish I could pretend everything is fine, I know people who can pretend it so hard that it almost feels real, but I'm not one of them. I'm driving myself crazy, but I can't stop it.

I know there are those who can find power in the simple things in life, and I think I used to know how to do that, but my memory isn't so good.

I'm like a child, utterly dependent on others. I was this amazing person, who stayed surrounded by enemies, bombs falling everywhere, and people dying all around me, and now I've been reduced to this. But who cares right? I don't recognize my own face in the pictures or in the mirror. I'm not a real person, just a used up, washed out soldier who got old before my time.

I'm surrounded by people who have never had to sort through the bloody rubble of war to try and find themselves again, and they will never understand. Civilians seem stupid and shallow and incapable to me, because I keep trying to hold everyone to the same standards. I can't even live up to those standards anymore. My power is missing along with so many other things.

I don't want to be this anymore, but I don't know how not to be. I don't remember. I forgot too much, and not nearly enough. If I had died my story might have had some relevance, but I'm just another broken soldier now, and no one wants responsibility for us broken toys. Stick it on a high shelf in the back of a closet and try to forget. I can't take any pride in surviving, and I can't help wishing I had died, because I so desperately want some peace.

I'm stumbling around in a world I don't understand anymore, and everyone keeps asking too much from me. All I want to do is forget. All I can do is exist, as more of a thing than a person.

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