Thursday, May 3, 2012

Round 50 ding ding ding

So once again I feel like a failure. My boyfriend is stressed out due to work, and being responsible for most of the household chores, and running all the errands. I can't drive, I have trouble remembering to eat, or bathe, or brush my teeth regularly. If I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I find myself calling myself all sorts of horrible names. It's awful. My medication is apparently suppressing my appetite so I never feel hungry, which is the body's way of reminding you that you need food to survive. I don't notice I need to eat until my blood sugar bottoms out, and by then I'm seriously agitated, shaky, irrational, and pissed that I have to eat food.

I haven't been writing much lately, I feel too awful most of the time. I feel like I need a baby-sitter. Someone to remind me to eat, remind me of all the things I always forget, and nag me to do chores (or better yet, do them for me! A girl can wish.). I'm not going to go into the minutiae of  all the crap I'm supposed to remember, but there is an awful lot of  it. To top it all off, the sheer quantity of shit I have to do triggers major anxiety followed by depression, followed by anxiety.

Clearly, I'm a candidate for permanent inpatient psychiatry. I don't know how people put up with me. I don't know how I put up with myself. I just want to go back to bed and hide, or at least wait until this latest batch of anxiety wears off so I can think. 

No comments:

Post a Comment