Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Pay the piper
Everything good, you can lose. Anything that is bad can happen at any time. At least in my nightmares nothing new that is bad happens. New bad things only happen when I am awake. I live in constant fear of losing the good in my life to some new evil. Everything that gives me hope is suspect. I only want peace and quiet, and to be left mostly alone. I can't function any better than to keep most of my fears at bay when I am awake. The day to day minutiae of living escapes me entirely, because I am too busy trying to stay sane. I escape. I survive. I lose myself in fiction, reading or writing, because stories have a beginning and a tidy ending. To be a survivor is a terrible thing. There is no triumph in it. There is exhaustion, grief, tears, fear, and terrible prices to pay for survival. But no triumph. Not so far any way. The battles are over, the war is won, but we who have survived must pay the terrible cost of continuing to survive. A price that has to be paid continually, forever without mercy. No one can pay this price for us or ease the terrible burden. Who would suffer my nightmares for me? Who would live with these awful memories that I do not want?