Thursday, March 14, 2013


Another fun symptom to add to the list, now that the catastrophic panic attack I had earlier is done, is sleep paralysis.

I'm terrified to go to sleep now because the other night I had an episode of sleep paralysis. I was trying to go to sleep, when suddenly I couldn't move. I was immediately struck with a panic attack, and became absolutely convinced I was dying. I felt myself being sucked out of my head, like some demon was trying to rip the soul right out of my body. It was awful. I haven't been that afraid since my very first firefight, the day that I realized that people wanted to kill me, would kill me if they got a chance. I tried to move my hands and feet and couldn't, I tried to call out for help but I couldn't do that either. I wanted so badly for someone to wake me up, save me, something.

So I stayed awake all night the last few nights because I was too afraid, absolutely chicken shit, to go to sleep at night. When the sun came up, I felt like I could go to sleep and everything would be fine. Needless to say my sleep schedule is all screwed up, I'm having more and more anxiety because of sleep deprivation, and I feel like I'm finally losing my mind. I still have that sucking sensation in my head, but it's just a sensation, unrelated to anything that I can tell. But this fear of having another one of these episodes is driving me mad. My medications aren't really working to calm my anxiety right now, and I have a terrible feeling I need to go to inpatient treatment again to get this sorted out.

Years and years of therapy, of trying to get better, and then this shit happens. Add to all of this shit, and suddenly I feel like I need to find a cure for all these disorders ASAP, right now, someone call up God and make a request on his red phone, please, please, please. This is just one thing too many, and I can't deal with all of it. This is killing me. I'm crying and I can't even scrape up the energy to hate myself for it, like I usually do.

I just want to beg someone to help me, in fact, I did beg someone to help me earlier, and they said there wasn't anything they could do. I'm suffering so much right now. (And feeling sorry for myself, and being afraid, and ready to just give in to this soul sucking despair.)


  1. To Regular Fury, my sister:

    My Sister Is...

    My sister is my heart,
    She opens doors to rooms
    I never knew were there,
    Breaks through walls
    I don't recall building.
    She lights my darkest corners
    With the sparkle in her eyes.

    My sister is my soul.
    She inspires my wearied spirit
    To fly on wings of angels,
    But while I hold her hand
    My feet never leave the ground.
    She stills my deepest fears
    With the wisdom of her song.

    My sister is my past.
    She writes my history.
    In her eyes, I recognize myself;
    I have memories only we can share.
    She remembers, she forgives,
    And she accepts me as I am--
    With tender understanding.

    My sister is my future.
    She lives within my dreams.
    She sees my undiscovered secrets,
    Believes in me as I stumble.
    She walks in step with me,
    Her love lighting my way.

    My sister is my strength.
    She hears the whispered prayers
    That I cannot speak.
    She helps me find my smile,
    Freely giving hers away.
    She catches my tears
    In her gentle hands.

    My sister is like no one else.
    She's my most treasured friend--
    Filling up the empty spaces,
    Healing broken places.
    She is my rock, my inspiration,
    Though impossible to define,
    In a word, she is... my sister.

    ~Lisa Lorden

    1. Thank you for posting this, I'm really grateful for all of your support.

  2. I went through these same feelings, for a time.

  3. Dear sister, have you seen these?

    It appears that I am permanently banned from her sites but that's okay. I still love them. I hope you do too. I like the name Regular Fury, sister.

  4. Deep thought: at least you're not Bradley Manning or Wikileaks, right sis?

    For real.